Five Things Barney Stinson Wants
by SnowboundMermaid
Summary: When Nora files for divorce, Barney searches for the new normal. Post season-six AU
1. Chapter 1

Five Things Barney Stinson Wants

Rating: M

Summary: Post season 6. When Nora files for divorce, Barney searches for the new normal.

Rating: M

Disclaimer; I do not own HIMYM or anything vaguely related. This is only my own what if imagining.

**First thing: a lawyer.**

Flattery came first, and easiest, to Barney, so that was how he began when Lily opened the door to him on a late autumn afternoon. She had her hair in two messy braids that made her look like a pregnant Pippi Longstocking in one of Marshall's t-shirts, a streak of pale green paint decorating one cheek. Never mind that it was the middle of a work day and both he and Marshall should have been behind their respective desks.

He'd come precisely because Marshall should be at work, and that would mean he could put this off that much longer, but sometimes the universe had funny plans. If Marshall was home, that meant Barney was supposed to do this. _Say words_, he told himself, any words, and work up to the important ones. "Hello, Lily, my, aren't you glowing? Harboring new life certainly agrees with you. Is Marshall home?" His gut clenched and he had to will himself not to propose some spontaneous bros-only outing instead of getting down to business.

"Yeah, he took a personal day. The paint we ordered came and he didn't want to wait for the weekend," she answered, then called Marshall's name, her brows pinching as she settled her patented emotional trauma scan on Barney. "Are you okay?"

Marshall emerged from the baby's room half a heartbeat later, so paint splattered that if this visit were for any other reason, Barney could have done a solid five minutes ranking on how awful he looked. Instead, he reached into his jacket pocket to retrieve a long blue legal envelope. "I need a lawyer." He placed envelope in Marshall's hand. "Nora filed for divorce."

"Is this an oh no kind of divorce or a that bitch kind of divorce?" Lily asked. "I can go either way, but the hormones need a direction. What happened?"

"Good question." Barney wasn't sure, himself. "Nora said I'm not the man she fell in love with." He couldn't argue with that. "I don't know what happened. I was an awesome husband." Was, he noted, not am. Already, he thought of his life with Nora in the past tense and it didn't bother him. He'd been an awesome husband. He gave Nora everything she wanted. The house in Westchester, complete with white picket fence and flower garden for example. Nora could keep that with his blessing. Imported heirloom English roses and all.

He knew he shouldn't have let the apartment go, but he did, because that was what it took to make Nora happy at the time, and, at the time, that was all he cared about. _Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. _

Marshall removed the papers from the envelope. "Do you want me to contest this?"

"No," Barney replied, his voice weary. "Give her whatever she wants. All I want is for this to be over and me to get my old life back."

Lily guided Barney to the couch and sat next to him. "Life can't go back to the way it was before. You're getting a divorce. This is huge. It's okay to admit you're having a hard time with all the changes involved."

"Please. The only change I care about is the extra pocket change I have to throw at your husband to get this pushed through as soon as possible."

Marshall looked at the check and whistled. "Are you sure about this? Throwing away a marriage isn't something to do lightly. If there's any chance you and Nora can patch things up, you should do everything you can to fix things."

Barney shook his head. "There's no chance. Make that less than none. Nora and I weren't like you and Lily. We were playing house. Game's over. Nobody won."

"Okay, in that case," Marshall replied, "Nora's requests are pretty straightforward. She's not asking for spousal support. Is there any chance she might be pregnant?"

"No." Barney didn't tell Marshall exactly how certain of that fact he was. Less than no chance, at least where he was concerned. Marshall and Lily didn't need to know everything.

Marshall turned the page. "She wants to retain the family home. Are you okay with that?"

"I'm fine," Barney answered. "Perfectly fine. It's her home. We were never a family. Can we please talk about something else now? Who wants to join me for some laser tag? Lily, you saucy minx, I bet you have some hormonal rage begging to be unleashed."

Lily rubbed the swell of her belly. "Sorry, Barney. I can't play laser tag when I'm pregnant. We have Scrabble or Hungry Hungry Hippos."

Barney ignored Lily's suggestions. "Marshall?"

Marshall's eyes widened. He'd found the retainer check, then. "Normally, I would, but if you want this done as quickly as possible, I'm going to want to get in touch with Nora's lawyer. I'm going to have to do some research to see if you have any interest in Nora's assets in the United Kingdom. Plus I need to deposit a honking big check a new client gave me."

He'd paid too much. He knew that, but it was worth it to see Marshall's expression and the far from subtle thumbs up sign Marshall flashed Lily. "Of course I don't have any interest in Nora's assets. I'm getting a divorce from her, duh. Her assets are some other guy's problem. Never mind, I can fly solo. It's a big city. I'll find something."


	2. Chapter 2

Second item – shelter

Robin answered the door on Barney's third knock later that evening. "Hey, stranger." Her damp hair hung in loose waves past the shoulders of her fluffy blue robe, her face scrubbed free of makeup, all sure signs she was in for the night and without male company. Her mouth spread into a slow smile, so that meant she didn't know about the divorce yet. He breathed a sigh of relief. This was still the same Robin he needed, the one who thought he could do anything. If she thought he could do something, then he could. Easy as that. Even this.

"I know it's late," he began before he could give in to the urge to tap her shoulder, declare her 'it' and race for the elevator. "I know I should have called first, but can I stay here tonight?"

Her smile wilted, blue eyes widening in concern. "Sure, but why?" She stepped back to allow him in and closed the door, shutting out the rest of the world. "Did something happen?"

_Nora and I had a fight so big there is a mushroom cloud over the house,_ he didn't say_. I think it's visible from space. We're getting a divorce and she changed the locks. I can go back at a mutually agreed upon time so I can retrieve my belongings,but all I have right now is the suit on my back and all I want to do is crawl under a blanket and put a pillow over my head._ But he couldn't say that, not now, because this was Robin and, hell, did he need any other reason? He flopped down on the couch. "I lost my keys," was all he said, "and Nora's not picking up her phone."

"Is she working late?" Robin asked. "We can go get her keys, if you want. Let me go put something on and grab my ID."

Barney swallowed. "Nora's not at work. Leave it at that, okay?" It was full night now, the day weighed on him and Robin smelled like vanilla and lavender. She didn't know, and he couldn't let her know. "My mom has company. Eli has chicken pox, so I can't stay with James, and Jerry's chaperoning JJ's school trip to West Point. If you and Ted are busy, I can get a hotel room, but I thought I'd…" Pull it together, Stinson. "I thought I'd try coming here first. I'd really like to talk to Ted," he finished, too tired to come up with anything else.

Robin tightened the sash on her robe. "Ted's not coming home tonight. He's staying at the Holiday Inn near his house so he can meet the electrician first thing in the morning. You can sleep in his room. The sheets are clean. You can talk to me, you know that, right?"

He did know, but acting on that knowledge? Not a good thing. Not tonight. "Have you had dinner yet? Let's order pizza. My treat." He took out his phone and the idea gelled. "I'll get us a pizza and hot wings, maybe some ice cream. We can stay up all night, watching movies and catching up on each other's lives. What has Robin Sherbatsky been up to these days anyway? Tell me everything. Is that a new robe? I like it. The blue brings out your eyes."

Robin's lips parted, her forehead creasing. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? Why do people keep asking me that? Can't a bro drop in on another bro for a bro's night in?" His voice sounded brittle even to him, verging on manic, but he wanted to hang onto Robin not knowing about the divorce as long as he possibly could. "Let me sweeten the pot. How about I check to see if _Degrassi High_ is available on NetFilms? What season do you want? I bet you're a big Joey/Caitlin fangirl, aren't you?"

Robin tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. A scarlet blush stained her cheeks. "No," she answered a second too quickly, the single syllable dissolving into a giggle. "Okay, guilty. You don't have to check NetFilms. I have the DVDs. Pizza sounds good." She said nothing else after that, only stuck in the DVD and got two beers from the fridge. Halfway through the fourth episode, she emptied a third beer into the ice cream and brought out two spoons.


	3. Chapter 3

**Third thing – an alibi. **

"No, I have not been anywhere near the WWN studios today," Barney said into his cell phone, sparing a nod of acknowledgement to Marshall, Lily and Ted as they entered MacLaren's the next evening. "Why would you even think that? Even if I had been, which I was not, petty vandalism is not my style. It wasn't me. End of story." He clicked off his phone and slipped it into his pocket, greeting his friends as they took their seats.

He still found it odd to see Lily, visibly pregnant, perched on a chair at the end of the table instead of her customary position in the booth. Marshall and Lily only joined the gang at the bar on special occasions since the birth of their first child last year. Poor kid was lucky Lily had allowed the doctor to cut the umbilical cord.

"I'll get the usual," Ted said before heading for the bar. The usual in this case meant virgin something. Barney didn't care what, as long as it was cold and wet. He'd downed a scotch already, before Lily arrived, so that didn't count. They'd all agreed, last year, to stick to nonalcoholic drinks for solidarity when Lily came to the bar in her current condition.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked. "You seemed upset about that phone call."

"That was Nora. Somebody keyed her car at work. She thinks I did it."

Marshall took his seat opposite Barney. "When did this happen?"

"She says there's security footage but it's fuzzy. Between noon and one-thirty," Barney answered. "I told her she's crazy to think it was me. I was in a conference call that entire time. I have GNB's mergers and acquisitions board, their counterparts in Reykjavik and three professional interpreters to back me up."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "Three interpreters?"

"English, Icelandic and American Sign Language." Barney ticked off each language on his fingers.

"Then there should be video footage." Marshall said with an emphatic nod. "That should clear you from any suspicion about Nora's car. Who else would want to do something like that?" He and Barney both slid questioning gazes in Lily's direction.

"Oh sure, I got a wild urge I couldn't suppress, found a reliable sitter willing to watch a one-year-old on the spur of the moment at lunchtime, changed buses twice to get all the way to the WNN studio, snuck my hugely pregnant, redheaded self past security and into the parking garage, where I searched all five levels until I found Nora's car, keyed it in a fit of violent rage, snuck back out, changed buses twice to get back home and dismiss the sitter, all before Marshall got home so we could get another sitter and meet you here." Lily finished with a smirk and a roll of her eyes.

Barney turned the empty glass in his hands. "That was a strangely specific denial. How do you know the WWN parking garage has five levels?"

Lily's gaze dropped. "Doesn't everybody know? It's common knowledge? Wasn't it a question on Jeopardy? Robin told me while we were painting each other's toenails? Oh look, Ted's back with our drinks." She finished on a brittle giggle.

Ted returned with the drinks, pinkish orange confections in tall, frosty glasses. Five of them.

As if on cue, Robin darted through the door, making a beeline for the booth, plopping herself in the empty seat next to Barney. She grabbed one of the drinks and tossed it back, grimacing. "What's in this?"

"Fruit juice and ginger ale over crushed ice," Ted answered. "We're all supporting Lily, remember? If Lily can't drink, nobody drinks when we're together. Where's your spirit of solidarity?"

Robin's eyes squeezed shut. "Yeah, I remember, but Lily, would you mind in this case? My spirit of solidarity called in sick. I need something stronger than fruit juice."

Lily covered Robin's hands with her own. "What happened? You're shaking."

"Come on, Sherbatsky," Barney said, forcing his voice to sound calm and casual when he felt anything but. It took everything he had not to put his arm around Robin to stop the full on trembling. He'd never seen her this pale. Her features pulled tight, eyes wide, her mouth turned down at the corners. "You're among friends. Safe space."

"Ikeyednorascar," Robin's confession came out as one word, two spots of blotchy red blooming in her cheeks. "I didn't plan to do anything like that but I had to go to one of the vans to get something. I saw Nora get out of her car with a man who wasn't Barney. I saw her kiss him. A real kiss, not some polite, friendly, thank you for a ride to work kind of kiss. It was Clive, one of the camera guys. He's English and they've been working together a lot and I'm so, so sorry, Barney." She broke off at that, realization dawning. "That's why you came over last night, isn't it? That's what you didn't want to talk about." She barely paused for Barney's nod. "After everything you did for her, everything you gave up for her, I couldn't let that go. I had the keys in my hand and I was so mad I couldn't think straight, and, well, I did it."

Barney let out a long breath and smiled at Ted's muttered curse. Now Robin knew. Now they all knew. "It's okay. I know about Clive." He took a long drink of slushy juice to mask the smile that would give his true feelings away. Way to go, Sherbatsky. She always had his back.

He excused himself to the men's room a moment later and took out his phone. _Sorry_, he texted to Nora. _Was me. Send bill. Will pay._


	4. Chapter 4

**Fourth thing – closure**

Clive. What kind of a name was Clive? Not that Barney cared about Clive's presence in his life, which wasn't anything, really. Clive was in Nora's life, and Nora, by all accounts, got on with Clive better than she ever did with Barney. Really, though, with Nora, how could anybody tell? Nora liked everything. Except, Barney told himself as he took a deep breath before exiting the rented van he'd parked in Nora's driveway, she didn't like him anymore. Fair enough. The papers were filed and this was his last load of stuff out of her house and into his new apartment.

Barney supposed he should have seen this day coming from the start, but he'd been wearing one powerfully strong pair of Nora-goggles for a while there. Even when he'd been uncertain, Robin had pushed him at Nora hard enough and often enough that he'd convinced himself that it was the right direction. Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes. More like a dead end, he told himself, pausing on his way down the flagstone path to the front door to check out the new paint job on Nora's car. He ran his fingers over the glossy dark finish. No traces of Robin's handiwork remained. He counted it worth every penny.

"Step away from the car, please." The voice came from behind Barney, deep, male and English.

Barney pocketed his keys. "Just admiring the paint job." He held out his hand. "Barney Stinson."

The other man hesitated before extending his own hand for a brief, businesslike shake. "Clive Blake." A silent beat, then, "This is awkward."

Barney knew he would remember for the rest of his life that the first thing he said to his soon to be ex-wife's new lover wasn't any of the grand speeches he'd rehearsed, not the one he'd paid an award-winning novelist to draft for him, not any of Ted's unused post-Stella diatribes. No, the words that came out of his mouth of their own accord would go down in history as, "Nice suit. Hugo Boss?"

Clive's eyes widened, mouth opening, then closing. "Yes, actually." He looked back toward the house. The porch light flicked on. "You, too. Nora said you're fond of Armani, but that's not," the next words died on his tongue as the door opened.

"Custom," Barney supplied, because he had to say something when Nora stepped out onto the porch. "Nora." He knew then what he'd seen in her. Her porcelain doll beauty hadn't dimmed a bit. One glance at Clive, and she lit up like a Christmas tree. Being on the receiving end of that look could be a heady drug for any man who hadn't already built up an immunity. The same indefatigable optimism that had convinced Barney he could ever fit into her fairy tale perfect life would get her through the divorce and into her happily ever after at last.

"Hello, Barney." Nora stepped down from the porch with delicate, deliberate movements. "Don't be angry with Clive. He meant to be gone before you got here, but his mum rang." She finished with an apologetic shrug, hands chafing her bare arms against the cool of the late autumn evening. The sleeveless dress she wore was too structured to be called a sundress.

"It's fine. I always take my mom's calls, too." He took in a breath, bracing himself for whatever came next. This was the first since they'd decided to end it that he'd seen Nora without their lawyers present. The first time he'd seen her with Clive. The first time he'd seen Clive shrug out of his jacket and drape it over Nora's shoulders.

Nora clutched Clive's jacket, her fingers stroking the lapels. "There's coffee inside if you'd like some. It's decaffeinated, but Clive made pumpkin cake."

"No thanks," Barney answered. "It's too late for coffee. I think I'd better get my stuff." The urge to get away from this place had never been stronger. Nora belonged here in this house with the picket fence outside and Clive's pumpkin cake inside, and Clive belonged there with her. Barney was the intruder here. He always had been. Time to get back to his world, the sooner, the better.


	5. Chapter 5

Fifth thing: a promise

Barney pulled over to the side of the road and rested his head on the steering wheel. He wasn't ready to take the exit yet, not ready to go home to an empty apartment decorated in early divorcé. He'd driven past Jerry's house twice already, but couldn't bring himself to pull into the driveway. Hence he turned down an assortment of random streets, each time telling himself now he was ready to take the exit. If there were an antithesis of awesome, this had to be it.

_No_, he corrected himself when another car pulled off the road and parked behind him, flashing its headlights, this was. Some well intentioned member of the local constabulary, most likely, checking to see why a Haul-It van was parked within spitting distance of a major exit. This, though, he could handle. He would tell the nice officer he was tired, hoping to get in a quick nap before going any further. Yes, he would say, he was aware that tired driving was dangerous, and he'd promise to get the biggest cup of coffee the first service station he could find had to offer. He popped the glove compartment to get the appropriate papers, only to stop short. The face that appeared in his window wasn't a cop at all, unless the local police uniforms included orange knit caps with pompoms and earflaps.

"Robin?" He checked the rearview mirror. Ted waved at him from the other car. Barney reached across the seat and opened the door, motioning her inside. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, obviously. You weren't at your apartment or your office, so I figured you'd be somewhere around here." She climbed in and shut the door.

"You didn't have to come all the way out here. I mean, if you and Ted want to help me get this stuff up to my apartment, great, but there's no need to check up on me. I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything to be concerned about. I'm fine."

Robin's lower lip curled, proof that she didn't believe him for a second. "You're sitting in the dark in a Haul-It with all your worldly possessions in the back because you're fine. You snuck out to Westchester on your own to get your things out of your ex-wife's house, because you're fine. Bullshit. You could have asked any of us to come with you. Hell, we would have come for you."

He could have asked, and they would have come, and he never would have seen Nora and Clive together. He'd made the right call. "Two things," he began "First, these are not all my worldly possessions. This is the last load. Second, I had to do this by myself," he said. His mess, his cleanup; that argument had made sense at one point. "How did you even find me? I've been driving around for," he stole a quick glance at the dashboard clock. "Half an hour." The words came out in a hoarse whisper.

"You're my best friend," was all she said.

"I thought Lily was your best friend."

"Lily is my best girl friend."

"Does that make me your best boy friend? Heh. Best boyfriend. Pretty obvious that's not the case."

Robin let out a long sigh of pure exasperation. "You're an idiot. You're my, um, my…do I really have to finish that sentence?"

Barney felt the ghost of a genuine smile tug at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, you really do."

"Okay, then, you're, um, you're my Barney. I am always going to know when you're not okay, and I am always going to find you."

Her Barney. He liked the sound of that. "I met Clive," he said at last.

Robin's expression softened. "I know. We went to Nora's house first. Nora said we missed you by five minutes. Clive wanted to give us pumpkin cake for the road. I didn't take any. Ted did. He said it would have been impolite to say no."

"Clive's okay. He helped me load the van." He'd made Clive carry the heavy and oddly shaped things. "He loves Nora. She loves him. He gave her his coat when she was cold. He put his hand on the small of her back when he helped her up the steps on the porch. It's only two steps. I never did that for her."

"There aren't any compulsory gestures that prove you love somebody. You married Nora. That means a lot more than giving her a coat. You gave her you."

Had he? "I tried to give her the version of me I thought she wanted," he said when he could form the words. The numbers on the dashboard clock turned over. "Turns out the man she wanted was Clive. Easy mistake. He wears suits, I wear suits. Same difference."

"Lots of guys wear suits. He's a completely different person. He's English. He um, does something with, um, cameras. He makes pumpkin cake. He has to spend the rest of his life with Nora. I know that was your original plan, but come on. Why did you even marry her?"

_Because I thought you wanted me to_. "Because nobody stopped me and I didn't know how to stop myself. Come on, Sherbatsky. You know me. One word from you, one crook of your finger, and I would have been out of that church so fast my portrait would have been a blur. If you always know when I'm not okay, why didn't you come find me the day I married Nora?"

Robin shifted in her seat. "We talked about this. Exes at weddings is a bad idea. If I'd gone to your wedding, I would have done something stupid. I would have ruined the day and then you would always know that your and Nora's anniversary was the day Robin drank a whole bottle of champagne by herself, made out with the janitor and jumped in the fountain in her underwear."

"Or something to that effect?"

The pompom on Robin's hat listed forward. "No, that. I went out with some friends from work but I actually did do all of the above."

"The image of Robin Sherbatsky cavorting in a dolphin fountain in her lacy unmentionables is now burned indelibly into my head."

"It wasn't a dolphin fountain, and I wasn't cavorting."

The ghost of Barney's smile gave way to a full on grin, the first he could remember in a long time. "It is, the way I'm going to imagine it, and you most certainly were cavorting. You straddled the dolphin and whirled your stocking, which I am going to imagine as black fishnet with a seam up the back, around your head like a lasso while shouting 'yeehaw.'" He mimicked the gesture the best he could in the confines of the van. "Wish I could have been there."

"You're making it sound like the Calgary Stampede. I blew my nose on a cop's tie, sprained my ankle and I'm not allowed back at that museum for six months. Anyway, you couldn't have been there. It was your wedding. I stayed away because I wanted your day to be perfect. I wanted you to have the fairytale."

"Fairy tales don't work in the real world. Nora and I couldn't last because what she and I had wasn't real. We weren't honest with each other, and that's why these last couple of years cut me to the bone."

Robin's hand reached across the space between the seats to rest, feather light, on Barney's sleeve. "Barney, I'm sorry. I never should have encouraged you to go after her. If I could travel through time, I never would have given you her number. She kneaded his arm, her touch, even through layers of cloth, chasing the tension from the muscles beneath. "It's late. Let's go home. We'll get your things upstairs, get you something to eat, put you to bed. You're starting a whole new awesome life."

Barney turned the key in the ignition, then turned it off again. "I have to tell you something before we leave here, and I need you to just sit there and let me say it." He waited for her nod. "If you want me to take you home, it has to be with the full understanding that if I take you home, I am taking you _home_, for the rest of our lives. That means no games, no keeping it casual, no making ourselves miserable trying to live up to somebody else's impossible standards. We can't have what Marshall and Lily have or what Nora and Clive have because we aren't them. We are us. We are you and me and that's what I want. That's what I've always wanted."

"Barney, I..."  
>"Let me finish." He cringed at the harshness of his voice, rough and broken, but he was tired enough that he didn't care. "If I don't say this now, I may never get the nerve to say it again. These last few years have worn me down to the bone. I tried to reach deep down within me to find the man Nora thought I was, but I found something better. I found who I really am, and that is the man who is going to love Robin Sherbatsky for the rest of his life. I'm not boyfriend material, but I am an awesome husband. So if you can promise to let me love, honor and cherish you as long as we both shall live, then yes, we can go home. If not, if you can't give me the same thing, then you should probably ride back with Ted. We stay friends and we never bring up the idea of being anything more ever again."<p>

A long silence stretched between them. The first snowflakes sprinkled down on the windshield, light at first, then thicker. Robin cleared her throat. Her hand fell away from his sleeve. "Wow. I don't even know what to say to all of that."  
>"Then don't say anything. Please." He closed his eyes, tight, bracing himself for the sound of the passenger side door opening.<p>

It never came. Robin's mouth descended over his, her kiss long and deep. Her hands fisted in his hair. "Let's go home."


End file.
